Seeking Comfort

Yellow glowing eyes chased me from my nightmare, flinging me into the waking world, my bed sheet tangled around my legs. Sweat soaked my shirt to my skin, as though I had dunked myself in the nearest river. Beads of it dripped off the tip of my nose.

I tried to smother my breathing. I couldn’t tell if I was being too loud, but each breath was hard to swallow. I looked up at where Ripley slept above me in the canopy, but all was still. She was either deep in sleep or had heard my nightmares enough times that she lay silent and waited for me to go back to sleep. Normally I did, but tonight’s shook me. I still couldn’t get my breathing to steady itself.

The kids were still cuddled in their cots. The moonlight from the barn windows was the only light we had, but it was enough for me to know that I hadn’t woken anyone up. From the dryness in my throat and the pain from every gulp, I had definitely been screaming.

Wiping the sweat from my brow, I swung my legs onto the cold dirt, tip toeing it, feeling my way across the straw until I found my shoes.

I checked on the kids as I did every morning, even if the sky was still dark and sparkling with stars. Mabel slept hard, their little fist tightened into balls. It made me smile. Phillip had stolen Claudia’s blanket and was cuddled up with his own. I gave Claudia back her blanket and tucked her in. I watched them for a second, the booming in my chest slowing down, before making my way out of the barn.

Opening the front door, a gust of wind slapped me in the face. The sweat on my skin froze and I couldn’t stop the way my teeth chattered. Wrapping my arms around myself, I sat on the fence. Some of the horses rose their heads, tiredly, before tucking them back against their legs, going back to sleep. Fabien, my own grey pony, jumped onto his hooves and approached me, his head butting into my pockets. He was a greedy little thing.

I tapped his nose, no. Fabien blew hot air into my palm, impatient and frustrated. Rolling my eyes, I jumped down from the fence and plucked some of the night grass and gave it to him, his lips tickling me as he ate.

The rest of the horses continued to sleep, uncaring for nighttime snacks. Fabien normally shared a field with Jake’s horse, Blue. The older gelding was easy going and tolerated Fabien’s ill-manners. But with Jake and Michael gone, Fabien had the field to himself.

Wiping the grass stains into my jeans, I slid down against the fence and watched the calmness of the camp.

Jake and Michael had left early in the morning. Gone for a few days, Jake had explained as I fed the horses. It was a relief. Michael loomed over me like a savaging crow. Everywhere I went, I found him behind me, his shoulders tight, his mouth opening and closing as if he wanted to speak to me. I never gave him the chance, fleeing at the first glimpse of him.

It was like loosening the first button of a tight shirt. I could finally breathe without him here. Jake had said he was sick, that something was wrong with him. I agreed with him, and Jake stopped me running with the kids come the next morning after...after that night. He sat me down and explained as best as he could with our language barrier. That he was going to fix this if he could. I didn’t think there was fixing men like Michael. But off they went, a hunting trip they had called it. I wondered what monsters they were truly hunting.

Ripley had vanished a few hours after they had gone, throwing her horse into a gallop, her shotgun over her shoulder. It wasn’t unusual for Ripley to run away to the saloon in Valentine, but her haste was plain to see. She had gone after Jake and Michael.

Ripley was like a loyal hound to Jake, but feral and vicious to anyone she disliked and that included Michael. I don’t think she even saw it herself. The aloofness she tried to play off only worked if you weren’t watching. And since I couldn’t hear the words that easily rolled from her, all I could do was watch and everything I saw craved attention. Jake’s.

No doubt that she felt the sourness that followed Michael. The lingering worry glances Jake would give when he thought no one was looking. I wondered if Ripley would return with only Jake. Though if she did use that shotgun of hers, I doubt that any of them would return.

I shook the thought out of my head. If none of them returned, I would have to find a new place for us to live or return back to St. Denis, back to the streets searching bins for food. There was no chance that Leon would remain here and would take Isabella and Valerie with him. I wasn’t his responsibility after all.

I pushed myself back into my feet. The barn sat eerily in the night, my nightmares waiting for me to return. I tried to make myself walk towards it, but each step felt like a thousand and they shook with each one. I couldn’t go back.

The cabin was free, but that left me sick to my stomach and my head crazed with fear.

Instead, I headed towards the tents camped outside the cabin. Isabella’s sat empty as it always did recently, but I felt uneasy sleeping in her tent, especially if she brought Leon with her. And then there was Valerie’s.

Nervously, I poked my head through her tent and crouched, shaking her foot gently to wake her.

With a match, her lantern flickered into life. She sat up, her white hair wild with bed hair, rubbing the sleep from her eyes as a yawn ripped from her. Finally awake, she looked at me with those large blue eyes of hers, curious and innocent.

‘Can I sleep here?’ I asked, shame red on my cheeks.

Valerie nodded, her mind still fogged with sleep as she pulled back the covers of her cot.

I kicked off my shoes and laid them outside of her tent before entering. The cot wasn’t meant for two people and it was small enough that my feet hung off the end. Valerie shifted back to give me more room, but we were still squashed together.

We were silent as we lay next to each other, and with each passing moment I wondered if it was a bad idea and if I should’ve just gone and left.

And then the bed began to shake. I had kept my eyes down out of modesty, but couldn’t help but peak up at her face. She was laughing, delight bright on her face. It brought a smile to my own, though I wasn’t sure what the joke was.

Our foreheads were almost touching, we were that close, so it was hard to see her mouth move as she talked, even if she did use her own form of signs.

‘My brother and me used to sleep like this. Leon would hide me and say it was a game. Hide and seek against father.’ Her signs weren’t as straight forward and complete as mine, though signing was never like the spoken tongue, but piecing the words together I understood what she was saying.

There was a longing in her eyes.

‘I did the same with my brother.’ I signed back, using her version of my language.

‘I didn’t know you have a brother.’

‘He died years ago.’

Gunther wasn’t my real brother like Leon was to Valerie. He had found me on the streets when I could barely tie my shoe laces and took me under his wing. Everything I knew was taught by him.

It was times like this where I wished he was alive. He always knew how to get us out of trouble, always had a plan, always had a smile on his face.

Not seeing it left a pang in my chest. He was a safety net that I had always clung to, even though he wasn’t there. His shoes were big ones to fill and I wishes I knew that before I stepped into them. I wished he taught me more, I wished for his confident and cunning. But wishing didn’t do anything. I knew that from the day they tied a rope around his neck.

I jumped as Valerie placed her palm against my breast, over my beating heart. I smiled weakly at her and she smiled back.

‘Sorry.’ I signed, but she shook her head before taking my hand in hers. I squeezed it and closed my eyes, letting myself drift off to the vibrations of Valerie’s humming.